Dear Mitch - I hope you win this election. I know that you've been having to work harder than you're used to against this Lunsford boy. It's bound to make you nervous, knowing that for the first time you've got serious competition for your seat.
You should have seen it coming. Watching Ann Northrup get knocked off by that uberliberal in Louisville should have told you something about the mood of the electorate. But I bet you drew the wrong conclusions so let me explain it to you.
You and Ann and McCain and Bush are all suffering from the same problem. You've misplaced whatever conservative credentials that you ever had. You're so busy trying to be everybody's buddy, trying to outspend the Democrats, that the conservatives think you've died and been replaced by clones. You know, like Stepford Republicans who make faintly familiar noises while self-destructing.
Mitch, you can't outspend the Democrats. Ye gods, man, look at how much they've squandered on The Great Society in the last forty years! Sarah Palin spends $150,000 on clothes and the Left goes bats, but Barack NO!bama spends FIVE MILLION on a stage and not a peep! How you gonna keep pace with that, bubba?
As McCain might have learned by now (we're not so sure he can be taught, but that's another column for another day), reaching out across the aisle to the Dems only means you're gonna draw back a bloody stump. Maybe he's been doublecrossed and badmouthed by the guys he thought were his pals enough times in this campaign that he's getting the picture. I have my doubts.
But you're a Kentucky boy, Mitch, and I'm more inclined to give you the benefit of the doubt, if only not to feel embarrassed for both of us.
There is no compromise with the Dems, Mitch, for two reasons.
One, they want to win this culture war, and they already KNOW that it's a war, while you guys are still waking up. Didn't any of you read about Pearl Harbor in school? You can't win a war if you don't know you're in it.
Two, there is no compromise on principles. You remember principles. I know you do, just close your eyes and think really hard, you can do it!
You had them before you went to Washington, I bet. Now you're so intent on trying to pass legislation, ANY legislation, that you can point to and say "See! We did that!" that you've forgotten that just passing bills isn't the same thing as crafting laws that are based on principles.
Republicans are getting their butts kicked because we don't love you no more. There, I put it in a form that any C&W fan can relate to. We have a lot of those here in Kentucky. I'm not one, but I understand the genre.
We're tired of voting for Republicans only to find out that they're Dems in disguise. (Are you guys lying to us just so you can go to DC and hang out in the gym with your Dem buddies? If that's the case, just go on over the DNC and let 'em sign you up, and quit lying to us.)
When the GOP decides to knuckle down and field candidates that we can point to and say "that is NOT a Democrat!" then you'll see some changes in our support for the GOP. Did you notice how folks got all fired up about Sarah Palin when she came on the scene? Didja hear a lot of "hot DAMN!, I LIKE that girl!" floating around?
We call that a clue, Mitch. You don't have to be frickin' Columbo to see that.
It's time to quit being nice and trying to get along with guys who hate you.
If a pack of thugs was kicking you in the teeth while they were taking your car, and dragging your furniture out the door and emptying your gun safe, would you be trying to shake their hands and kiss their bipartisan butts? Okay, McCain would, but surely you're smarter than that, Mitch? Or did you turn in your huevos at the door when you entered the Senate cloakroom?
To the Dems, to Schumer and Reid and Pelosi, bipartisan means TWO of them jumping on ONE of you. You need to start reading their playbook.
That's what the Dems are doing, Mitch - looting our house. Pillaging our way of life. They're slapping you guys around while you keep seeking approval like a bunch of little boys who aren't sure that their mothers love them, and they're piling all our principles into a heap getting ready for a cultural bonfire.
WAKE UP, Senator McConnell!
The Dems are NOT your friends. They're trying to drag you down, boot you out and they'll dance on your grave when you're gone. They're masters of showing a conciliatory face while their hands are doing a tap-dance with a dagger in your back!
So that's why you're teetering on the brink of defeat, Mitch, and why we're going to grit our teeth and vote for Palin and that other guy and yes, for you - one last time.
We can see what you're doing up there in the swamp and we don't like it. We don't relish defeat and we're not getting a payoff that will mollify us for the screwing that's going to follow this election if the GOP tanks as badly as it seems that they will. You can lie back in your retirement while we foot the bill for your errors and try to hold the Obamabarian horde at the gates.
You may not mind losing a war that you don't even seem to see is being waged but I can assure you that we most definitely DO resent it, sir!
Maybe the only bright side to all this mess is that if you lose, you're gone, and there might be a new generation of Republicans coming up behind you who took notes and learned something from it, and have decided to go for the win, not a draw. Maybe enough people will be sufficiently pissed off at the GOP to start speaking up even more loudly than we have in the past, and not putting their money behind "moderate" clowns.
I hope you win your race, Mitch. I hope NO!bama loses and you have another chance to get back in the Senate and start kicking some Left-wing butt. Good luck - we'll have our eyes on you - Bloggo
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